From the Gallows

"The last sip of water I had was twenty-four hours back. A whole day had passed, my throat was feeling unusually parched, the salt in the tears getting concentrated by the hour made my eyes hurt really hard. My face was bloated badly, partly from crying, partly from trying to relax muscles twitching with a thousand gloomy feelings, partly from the impact of those sharp smacks, partly because of being dug into the wet pillow for the whole day. Lying expressionlessly on the floor, completely blacked out,  I was staring into the noose dangling alluringly from the roof. Who had set up the gallows in my room? No, I did not. Of course, I did. My hands had set up the noose, my hands had arranged the chair, my eyes had calculated the height to ensure that my feet won't touch the floor. I had no control over my hands, over my eyes, over my body. Those haunting voices, they were constantly shouting, no barking, instructions to my hands, to my eyes, to my legs.

Voices, which voices, was I imagining voices, no I was not that sort of person. Was I hallucinating, my brain was twitching like rubber, my head felt unusually heavy and in next instant, a torrent of boiling, gurgling tears escaped my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. My skin smarted from the heat, some heaviness from the very centre, very top of my head was removed, it could sense I was short of breath and panting. Once again, I found myself trying hard to chose between embracing the gallows and the watercooler. I was very dry at throat, a part of me, deaf to the voices, wanted to go to the watercooler at the end of the winding corridor and treat me to a sip of water. The other part, numbed by those piercing, poking, chilling, threatening voices revolted at the mere thought of humiliation from those merciless eyes, mocking smiles.

"What was humiliating? Those voices, those eyes, those smiles?"

"Yes they were."

"Why?... Why?"

"I don't know."

"What had I done?"

"I don't know."

"What for I was being humiliated?"

"I don't know."

The watercooler part was unsympathetically demanding those answers from the gallows part.

"Why was I humiliated?"

"I don't know."

"No you fool, think hard. Nothing happens without a reason....Why?" 

"I chose not to buttress the ego of those who demanded it in the guise of respect and seniority."

"That was a crystal clear thinking, Kudos to you, now think some more, let the steam of emotions off the pressurized chambers of your heart."

"I don't want to say, but still, those voices, those faces, they haunt me. Those were of my own people, I was not told that they would be equally demanding. Were they demanding as those demanding respect, no they were not, they were being herded by those seniors. In turn they were massaging their own egos by hurtling abuses at a simple beautiful soul."

"Good, so what does that all mean?"

"That means those accusations were all false, I was not wrong, those abuses were not really meant to be, though they were deliberate."

"What next then?" 

"I can and respect those who are worthy, but this disguised ego massaging demand, I can't oblige to it at any cost, wait a minute, I can fight against it, but that will be tough, very tough. But do I really know how tough it would be, frankly, I don't, I have not given it a real trial."

"Glad to hear that. Now quickly clear the room of this noose."

Oh my, where did my emaciated soul borrow this energy from, I am climbing up and holding the noose. Oh my, I am blacking out again.

"Let me not lose this chance and quickly embrace the noose. The nice, strong, smooth noose feels really good around the neck. I think I look like wearing a fur costume. Oh fool, kick the chair, fast, fast, now, now, just do it."

"I respect who are worthy, I respect who are worthy, I respect who are worthy....."

"What are you parroting, kick the chair"

"Ain't my own beautiful soul worthy, ain't my family worthy?"

"OH WHAT THE HELL, where are your thoughts wandering?"

"What a gift of love this gallows gonna send to all those who are worthy?"
"What about those shaky letters on the crumpled pieces of paper strewn across the room, I have made arrangements, did you forget, what it reads, 'I was living with murderers, they are all over the place, they killed me, get them when I am gone.' There is this long list of names also."
"Oh, you have planned well for the gift of revenge as a token of love for all those who are worthy!"

 It is getting unbearable, all right, it's decided, I can not kick the chair. I have to dismantle the gallows. Its gone, the room looks better now. But what about going out into the corridors, the look on those faces would be disgusting. What about that. Didn't I read about the crocodile the savage hunters failed to kill? Yes, I did. I will emulate the crocodilian skin. OK, I am going out to wash my face. I am drinking water after 40 hours, it is hurting, nevertheless I am liking it. I can hear my stomach moaning with hunger now, poor fella, will have to wait for a couple for hours for food."

Hot tears were again rolling down Rashmi's cheeks and her head was heavy as she finished re-living the saddest chapter from her diary. It had been 20 years but those scars hurt her like fresh stabs. She could not forgive those voices, those faces, those eyes. She was angry at all of them despite the fact that many of them were friends now. She was grateful to herself for coming out alive from the gallows. Today, she was content counselling her younger friends who needed her advice and wanted to learn from her experience. She was content with the adoption of her work by educational institutions which enabled them to quickly identify the bullies and the innocent victims which prevented the innocent souls from taking the same steps which she had almost taken.